


lovemaking is not a competition

by kingofpentacles



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Come Eating, Dirty Talk, Emotional Sex, Eye Contact, M/M, Making Love, Making Out, Moaning, Mutual Masturbation, Overstimulation, POV Mello | Mihael Keehl, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Trans Character, Trans Near | Nate River, Vaginal Fingering, Vulnerability, Wet & Messy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:55:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26903977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kingofpentacles/pseuds/kingofpentacles
Summary: "Sometimes.. A lot of the time, actually.. I struggle with viewing everything as a competition.. Making sure I'm the best. That sort of thing. Especially anything to do with you. I'm trying to get better, and I think I am, but it's still difficult. It makes it hard to be vulnerable. And it makes sex uncomfortable at times, because I can't stop thinking about being better than you."
Relationships: Mello | Mihael Keehl/Near | Nate River
Comments: 13
Kudos: 33





	lovemaking is not a competition

**Author's Note:**

> alrighty, i know the summary basically implies that this whole thing is them talking about their feelings, but erm. check the tags before reading. cuz this fucker is like 99% porn 1% talking about feelings. lolz. anyway, i hope someone enjoys reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it! this was a really fun one, hehe. 
> 
> *vaguely based off a very kind comment i got on my last fic that mentioned liking 'i love you' scenes*
> 
> **also based off of all the nice comments i got about near's dirty talking hehe ;)**

Mello stared openly. Near's naked body was pale already, but in the radiant moonlight of their shared bedroom window, he looked like he was glowing from within. His hair shone too, spread out under him and so long it reached past his belly button. He was lying supine, legs bent and open. Completely unabashed. Mello, sat between his open legs, felt a flash of jealousy- _aren’t I supposed to be the confident one?_ \- that he quickly shoved away. 

“What is it?” Near was frowning. 

His breasts were small and soft and pointed down. Mello loved them. He especially liked playing with them, but Near either didn’t like it or didn’t care, because he never made any noise when Mello did it. But he didn’t smack his hand away or tell him not to, so Mello kept cupping them and-

“Quit that.”

Damn. Mello moved his hands to Near’s slight belly. It was soft and good to play with. And poke. And squish. And put your ear to so you can hear all the gurgling and-

“Are you just trying to annoy me? I thought we were going to have sex.”

“Ah, right. I’d completely forgotten. Thought we were naked for no reason.”

Near’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“Sarcasm,” Mello explained.

A long pause, then.. “..I know that.”

Mello scoffed. “No you didn’t. You’re just self conscious about not knowing when people are using irony.” Poked his stomach again. 

“That’s completely untrue.” 

“Near, I can see you blushing, you’re totally embarrassed.” 

Nate scoffed and Mello opened his mouth, grinning, to say some other embarrassing thing- maybe bring up the bed wetting back at Wammy’s House- when Nate sat up and grabbed his hand, not-so-gently guiding it between his legs. 

“Touch me, Mello,” he said seriously. 

Mello’s grin grew bigger. 

“I feel like one of your crew, being ordered around and shit. Is this how you talk to Rester? Because-”

Near shut him up with a kiss. Mello licked into Near’s mouth almost immediately, sucking on his tongue a little, which made him give a hushed gasp that went straight to Mello's groin. He hummed against Near's mouth and was about to stroke at him when Near grabbed his hand. Mello pulled away, frowning. 

"What?" He said. 

Near's eyes looked dark in the moonlight. "I want to use you, Mello."

Mello's head was spinning.

"Okay," he said faintly, not exactly sure what that even meant, but still one hundred percent into it. 

Near looked into Mello's eyes briefly and manipulated his hand into a familiar position- his middle fingers together and bent a little- then pushed the hand up against himself using both of his own hands. Rubbing his swollen clit with Mello's hand like it was a toy.

"This is what I look like," Near said, "when I masturbate."

Mello's mouth was dry, and it was his turn to blush. He kept his hand like it was (as if he could move, yeah fucking right), stiff as whatever thing Near masturbated with, hoping he was better that it. Near seemed to think so; his eyes were squeezed shut, mouth open a little, moaning under his breath like he couldn't stop if he tried. Both his hands were trembling on Mellos', pushing harder and harder with every thrust, looking for all the world like he could come just from this. He paused, shaking, to breathe. 

Then he guided Mello's hand down to his opening to gather the ever increasing wetness there and bring it up to his clit again.

Mello's stomach twisted with arousal and he suddenly realized he was jerking off with his left hand. He struggled to do it right- his hand trembled with adrenaline, and he wasn’t left handed. But looking at Near helped. 

Near was basically grinding on his hand now, making these little “uh, uh” noises, which was so fucking hot Mello’s mouth opened unconsciously, his dick feeling heavy and hot and pulsing in his hand. It was almost embarrassing how _into it_ Near was, but fuck it, if Near didn’t care, he didn’t. And besides, it was fucking _hot_. Then Near made eye contact with Mello, and as they locked eyes, they both felt Near fucking _leak_ discharge, hot and wet and clear, until he was slick as hell and fever-hot between his legs. ( _Likes eye contact,_ Mello noted.)

“God, yes,” Near breathed, pressing Mello’s fingers against himself harder, massaging his clit like he’d die if he didn’t. “Can you feel how aroused I am? How wet and swollen and hot?” _Holy shit_ , Mello thought faintly. “It feels so good. Using your hand like this. Like you’re nothing more than a toy I grind against to take the edge off. I can’t tell you how incredible it feels, Mello.”

Mello made this really embarrassing moaning, gasping sound. But Near must have been turned on by it, because he could feel Near _pulse_ through his clit, and he moaned too.

He felt so good, Mello couldn't stand it. “Fuck, I love you,” he gasped. 

Nate looked up at him, fond and a little sweaty. “I love you too, Mello,” he panted. “How could I not?”

It doesn’t seem like the kind of conversation to have during sex, and the question was probably rhetorical anyway, but an answer comes out anyway: “Because we kind of have a past? And I've been horrible to you?”

“Mello..” Near looked stern all of a sudden, and released Mello’s hand. Mello swallowed. 

“Hear this, Mello: I wouldn’t associate with you if I didn’t like you.”

“Associate?”

“I wouldn’t be in a relationship with you,” Near clarified, “if I didn't love you. I’m not completely innocent either. One day we’ll talk about it and begin to work through it, perhaps with a therapist, until we can process and deal with it. But for now, just know this: I love you. We have a complicated past. But I love you.”

Mello felt like his heart was pounding so hard he could feel it in his fingertips. “Near..” he started.

“Nate. River.” Soft. Solemn. 

Mello swallowed. _Nate_. 

“..Nate River,” Mello said softly. “I love you, Nate.”

Nate captured his lips in a chaste kiss that quickly turned otherwise. He licked into Mello’s mouth, sucked on his tongue, then his bottom lip, kissed the corner of his mouth, then his neck, flitting from place to place like he couldn't decide where he wanted to be. Mello, overwhelmed with happiness and love, just tried to keep up, and eventually ended up pushing on Near’s- Nate’s- chest to make him lie down, then settled on top of him. 

Enthusiastic making out eventually turned to slow, deep kissing that made Mello’s toes curl. He was hard against Nate's belly and rocked against it subtly every once in a while. 

Nate encouraged this, humming and pulling his hands out of Mello’s hair to cup his ass and push it down, making his cock rub hard against his torso. Mello groaned into his mouth, less because it felt good- though it definitely felt good- and more because of the way Nate was taking control of this situation. He was doing that more and more often lately. It wasn’t like he’d previously just laid back and taken it during sex, but he wasn’t exactly dominant. 

But the last couple of times they’d been together, Nate had- well. Sort of taken the reins. Dirty talk, pushing him around, that sort of thing. And fuck, it was hot. Embarrassing that he was so turned on by it, yeah, but hot. Every time Nate did something like that, it felt like he was losing and winning at the same time. (I should be the dominant one, his past self sometimes screamed in his head. This is the fucking hottest thing I’ve ever experienced, so shut the fuck up, his current self screamed back.)

Nate pulled away, gasping for the second time that night, "Touch me, Mello."

Mello slipped a hand between Nate's legs and looked his lover in the eye. Grey eyes meeting blue, Mello said quietly, “My name is Mihael Keehl.”

Nate’s eye widened for less than a second, then his face went so serious that Mello felt a lump in his throat when he met his eyes. But he didn’t look away. 

“Mihael Keehl. Mihael.. I love you.”

Mello looked away, blinking fast. He hadn’t heard that name in someone else’s mouth for a long time. 

“I love you,” he said again, feeling like a pull string doll, only able to say one phrase, over and over. But he couldn’t help it; if he didn’t say it, he’d probably explode.

“Mihael,” Nate said softly. “Touch me. I need you.”

Mello’s hand finally moved against him. His clit felt swollen, slick and hot with arousal, and when Mello stroked it, Nate's thighs twitched. They locked eyes again and Mello felt his own arousal rising again in him, like flooding water against a dam. 

Nate moaned, breathy and quiet. He started undulating his hips, pushing against Mello’s hand, silently encouraging him to touch him more firmly. Mello did, and was rewarded with a louder moan. 

“Mihael..” Nate breathed. They were still making eye contact, and Nate’s eyes were big and shiny. He looked overwhelmed, so Mello kissed him. Nate grabbed his face and kissed him back with fervor, messy and passionate. Mello made an encouraging sound and slipped two fingers into Nate, easy as anything, and pumped them in and out with passion that made Nate groan into the kiss. He was so wet that the room was filled with slick noises, punctuated by breathy moans.

“I need-” he suddenly pulled away to gasp. “I need you, Mihael. Please fuck me.” 

Mello rolled off of Nate to lie next to him, both on their sides, facing the other. 

“You want it like this?” Mello asked, voice a little breathy. 

Nate nodded wordlessly, like if he started talking he’d never stop. His mouth was open and he was panting, face hot and pink and pupils blown wide with arousal.

He hooked a leg over Mello's hip, opening up for him. Mello instinctively placed a hand on Nate’s ass, grinding against his mons pubis for a moment, then easily slipping into his cunt with a bitten off moan. 

“No,” Nate said suddenly, and Mello’s head snapped up. 

“What? Are you okay?”

“I mean-” Nate flushed a dusky red. “I mean, don’t stop yourself from- from moaning. Don’t do that. It.. arouses me. To hear you.”

Mello swallowed. Right. (Nate didn’t see it as a competition. Nate told him outright what aroused him.)

He thrusted, slow and careful into Nate, who moaned softly. He felt so soft and tight and warm, and Mello told him so. Nate responded by squeezing tighter, and Mello felt a groan rising up in him. He didn’t stop it, though it made his face go hot with embarrassment. It was rare for Mello to be vocal in bed; that was Nate’s job. Nate looked at him when he did, face open with surprise and delight. 

“Yes,” he gasped, and Mello moaned again- just a quiet, short “ah”- but Nate seemed to like this, because he thrust back against Mello, fucking himself shallowly on Mello’s cock, the best he could do from this angle. Mello stopped moving, transfixed.

Nate River was beautiful. His long, white hair kept falling over his face, trailing over his small breasts and slight belly, and he occasionally swept it away, pushing it behind his ear. His slender body glowed in the moonlight and he could see the muscles in his stomach moving a little as he tried his best to move on Mello’s cock. He was moaning a little, too, or maybe the right word would be whimpering; he couldn’t seem to stop making these little aroused-but-frustrated “ah, ah, ah,” noises. Mello wanted to move badly, but more than that, he wanted to see Nate’s irritated “fuck me already” face. He wanted to see Nate desperate for him. So he stayed still. 

Nate struggled to get Mello inside him, sweating lightly and “uh, uh, uh”-ing. Barely able to get more than the head in. Blushing bright as hell and trying not to make eye contact. He knew what Mello was doing, and it was clearly frustrating, but he was so turned on he couldn’t seem to stop himself. 

Then Nate growled suddenly- which was equal parts arousing and amusing- and shoved him down onto his back, climbing on top of him with zero finesse. Mello groaned as he grabbed his hips, finally fucking him like he knew Nate had wanted him to: hard and deep and excruciatingly slow. 

Nate was beautiful like this, too. The light of the moon made him radiant, his pale thighs glowing and trembling with exertion from meeting each thrust. The slapping sound of their bodies meeting on every slow, careful thrust filled the room, as well as the sound of each of their moans; Nate’s were near constant and breathy and quiet; Mello’s were sparing and always came from somewhere deep in his chest. The intensity of it made overwhelmed tears come to Mello’s eyes: it felt incredible physically, yes, but the deep, intense love between them made it that much more passionate. This was Nate goddamn River making love to him right now. The boy he’d grown up with, whom he’d fought with and slowly grown close to, who had bested him so many times in so many ways, who’d taught him patience and friendship and love. Whose true name he’d just learned. (Nate River, he couldn’t stop thinking. He told me his name. I didn’t even ask, and he told me. He trusts me with his name.)

“Shit,” he moaned. He could feel energy building up in him, pushing him closer and closer to orgasm. Nate leaned over him suddenly, to capture his mouth in a fiercely passionate kiss that they simultaneously moaned into. Then he shifted to his elbows and knees over Mello, allowing him to fuck into Nate with increased passion, moaning unrestrainedly. 

Mello could feel Nate’s wetness spreading to each of their thighs from each thrust; Mello, too, could feel himself leaking precome inside Nate, which dripped out, mingling with Nate’s own fluids. Near’s voice got higher and he groaned loudly as he came, clutching the sheets under them, then slumped onto his lover, momentarily dazed from his orgasm. 

“Nate,” Mello moaned, desperate for release. This snapped him out of it a little, and he shifted down to prop himself up between Mello’s legs, where he quickly and steadily jerked him, maintaining eye contact the whole time, until Mello was shaking with adrenaline and desperation. 

“Please-” he was panting. “I need-”

Nate went faster, firmly pumping his cock, then putting his mouth on just the tip, sucking lightly. Teasing. 

It was enough. Mello’s vision went white as his eyes squeezed shut, orgasm making him moan loudly, so he barely heard Nate’s little gasp at the sight of him. Nate pumped him all through his orgasm, encouraging him under his breath with nonsense words ( _yes yes yes you look beautiful like this darling i love you you’re doing so well for me keep going i know you can dear Mello come on now_ ) until he threw his head back and came all over his stomach. 

But Nate wasn’t done. He grasped the base of his cock firmly, and licked and sucked at the head of Mello’s cock until Mello cringed from oversensitivity and looked down. Nate’s face looked resolute. And very, very aroused. When they made eye contact, Nate allowed his mouth to open wider, to take Mello’s cock into his mouth. 

In his mouth, he kept tonguing the underside, like he was trying to- oh. Mello’s eyes widened briefly. He was going to make him come again. At the thought, his dick twitched weakly from inside Nate’s mouth. Like it was interested, but also _holy fuck_. 

It felt- sharp. The feeling was like dancing on the line between pleasure and pain. It felt so incredibly intense that his mouth, jaw dropped, couldn’t stop from moaning. His bangs were sweaty and stuck to his forehead, and his stomach was tensed, shaking with effort from the intensity of the feelings of arousal and torment. Nate pulled off suddenly. 

“Fuck,” Mello said loudly. 

“Is this okay?” he said quietly, still grasping the base of it, but not touching him at all otherwise. 

“Yes! Touch me,” Mello pleaded. 

Nate paused, gazing into the distance like he was thinking about it. When he made eye contact with his panting lover again, his eyes were dark. 

“Ask nicely, Mihael.”

Mello’s mouth opened unconsciously. _Fuck_. 

“Please,” he muttered, “touch me.”

“What? I didn’t hear that.” The words themselves were teasing, but Nate’s tone was anything but. He sounded serious, his voice soft, like a warning.

Mello’s face burned, and he ached to touch himself, just jerk himself off hard and quick and come already, but he knew instinctively that Nate didn’t want him to. That it wasn’t allowed. 

“I said, please touch me.. Nate.”

Nate looked pleased, and did him one better by taking him in his mouth, all the way to the base. A small part of Mello was slightly impressed- his cock wasn’t like, huge, but that was still quite the feat, right?- but mostly, he felt a rush of arousal, even stronger than with his first orgasm. He allowed himself to moan as he thrusted up into Nate’s incredible mouth for what had to be less than a minute before he came. Nate pulled off, but he barely noticed, busy seeing stars as he rode out a powerful orgasm for the second time in less than an hour. 

There was a long silence where Mello panted, trying to catch his breath. When he looked up, Nate was staring at him. His face was still and.. Oh. 

Nate brought a hand up to his cheek and lips, lightly touching the come there. Maintaining eye contact.

“Sorry,” Mello said, not sounding that sorry. He was so relaxed he felt like he was melting into the mattress. Just wipe it on the sheets, he was about to say, when-

Nate lightly touched his own face, half gathering the stuff, half smearing it around, before bringing his fingers to his mouth and sucking on them. Humming a little. Then swallowing. All without breaking eye contact.

Mello stared. Nate shuffled up to him, swiped some lukewarm jizz from Mello’s stomach and, quick as a whip, slipped two fingers of it into Mello’s mouth. Nate’s eyes were dark with arousal, and he stared at Mello, who was frozen, as he fucked his mouth with his fingers, pumping them lightly in and out, until Mello started to respond, separating the fingers with his tongue, then sucking them like he would a cock. Nate gave a broken moan, face opening and changing with arousal. 

“Good boy,” he whispered.

He removed the fingers from Mello’s mouth with a sucking, popping sound, then placed a wet index finger against Mello’s lips.

“Swallow," he said softly. 

Mello did. 

"Good boy," he repeated, voice lower this time. 

Their mouths met, the taste of Mello's completion mingling between them. They made out slowly, tongues slick and hot, for a long time and eventually laid down together on the bed, legs intertwined. 

Nate pulled away and kissed him, soft and chaste, on the corner of his mouth. 

"Tell me," he said, "if you don't like something. Okay?" 

Mello snorted. "Near, if I didn't like any of that, I wouldn't have let you do it. What, you think I have trouble voicing my opinion?" 

"I'm just putting it out there." 

"Yeah, yeah." 

There was a pause while Mello gathered his courage and spoke up again. "The come thing was hot. You eating it, I mean. Us.. Eating it. Together." Shit, he was blushing.

Nate was smirking at him. God damn it, Mello almost said. You eat your own jizz for a guy and still get treated like shit. Instead, he shoved him. Just a little.

"Don't make that face at me.”

"What face?" 

"The face you're making right now!" 

"I'm not making a face." 

"Like hell." But Mello snuggled up against him anyway, 'cause he’s forgiving like that.

There was a long, comfortable silence, and Nate seemed close to sleep, head resting on Mello's chest. Mello played lazily with his hair, which felt damp with perspiration. And thought about saying something. It was intimate, and it'd be difficult to get out, but maybe Nate needed to know. He, of all people, would understand the feeling of-

"Why is your heartbeat accelerating?" Nate said suddenly, lifting his head to look Mello in the eye. 

Mello startled. 

"Just thinking."

"About?"

Mello sighed. Gathered his courage. 

"Sometimes.. A lot of the time, actually.. I struggle with viewing everything as a competition.. Making sure I'm the best. That sort of thing. Especially anything to do with you. I'm trying to get better, and I think I am, but it's still difficult. It makes it hard to be vulnerable. And it makes sex uncomfortable at times, because I can't stop thinking about being better than you." 

There was a long moment of silence in which Mello was sure Nate was judging him, until his lover spoke:

"That's understandable. I feel the same way at times." 

Mello blinked. Nate wasn’t looking at him; his eyes were closed and he was playing with the sparse hair on Mello’s chest. 

"I think things like, I can't let him beat me at this. Which is ridiculous. What is there to beat you at? There is no audience watching us. No judges awarding trophies, or teachers comparing test scores. Just us, together. I'm sorry we grew up in an environment that made us like this. Obsessed with competition. But I think we can grow out of it. We just have to practice. 

And know that lovemaking is not a competition. I make love to you, Mello, because I love you. No other reason. I don't want to gain anything from it other than our shared pleasure and intimacy. I certainly don't wish to ‘one up’ you in any way, and I hope that you feel the same way."

_Lovemaking_ , Mello thought.

"I do feel the same way," he said quietly. 

Nate reached up slowly and wordlessly brushed a tear off of Mello’s face. 

They fell asleep with Nate’s hand cradling Mello’s jaw and cheek, legs tangled together, warm and soft and nude and bathed in moonlight. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope y'all enjoyed; please kudos/comment if you did! comments inspire me! :D


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